BrOwNiE LoR

2012 is coming to the end in 2 days more, many people believe that world will be end when 22 December 2012. But I am not, if now let me choose again, I will wish the world really end when that day.

This year to me is not a nice ending. I face lots of unexpected thing, and realize lots of things that I didn't know. I am 22 this year, next year will be 23. Is already an adult. I should really start behave, think, act like an adult no matter I willingly or not.

1 day, the burden of take care my family will be on me. 1 day, I will have to face all the problems. 1 day, everything that I thought was important will gone. 1 day, love / relationship will be the one not important at all.

Parents, family always the most important thing to me. I can sacrifice myself just to protect my family. But this round I failed. I didn't manage to help them to get rib the pain. Midnight get a called that can scare you to the death is always the story line in TV series. But when it happen in my life, I'm stun. I don't even know how to handle when that moment.

The past few days, I am handling part of the work from my parents. When that moment, I just realize the experience I had before was so few so unreliable. The world is too big to explore. There are still many people, things, to wait for us to explore.  Self confidence will only kill us.

Maybe someone who read this post will think that :"huh? now u just realize o? wth? so slow" But I just want to say, ya. I just realize this and accept this. I am lucky girl that life under a big and strong tree that able to protect me so much. But now, the world change, is time for me to protect the tree. And I'm well ready to do so. If you really think I'm slow. Pls think if what happen on me now happen on you. What will you do?

This is not about blaming or insulting or criticizing but is just telling. I am not longer me.

This few days the sky is like in bad mood, rain for few days. This not only cause inconvenient, it also make people feel emotional.  I am already very emotional recently and now getting worse and worse. I feel like have alot of things wan to tell, want to share out. But I have no idea who should i share to. 

My eyes make me look at you.. My eyes make me fall for you.. 

Why can't everything as easy as kindergarten mathematics.. Just 1 + 1 = 2..Just that easy.. Why life must be that complicated.. Or is that my mind problem?? Is just me myself can't make my life as easy as kids.. How I wish I'm just like a robot without any thinking or any feeling..at least now i wnt feel emo..nw i wnt feel hurt..

Is that i too easy feel hurt? Am I reali tat weak? But since when? I tot I'm strong..

I reali cnt fall for u..i cnt..trust me.. So pls dun raise the feeling up again..pls..

When a person who being strong, fighting alone, walking around for too long will start to feel lonely. Not only lonely, but also tired. The tired is not about physically but also mentally. I'm not sure about others, but I'm really tired, tired that being so tough, tired that being so cheerful, tired that being so independent.

I need a shoulder, need someone to let me rely on. I need a hug, it is not necessary must be from lover, but also from a friend. I need someone who make me feel comfortable and secure beside me. I need someone I can rely on be with me. But I just can't get what I always want. No matter how hard I wish for it, it will never be mine.

I'm sick to being alone, my heart is pain, my heart is tired, my brain as well..I need a place to hide, I need a place to chill, I need a place to relax..I need someone who can be trust with me. But the god just don't give me that.

y m i still being as dumb ass as b4..i tot i alr learn the lesson frm him but y i still make the same mistake again..y i still wan to be a replacement of another ppl..y i just cnt get a guy can treat me as who m i..i just hope can be sumone important to a person..is it reali tat hard? is it reali tat impossible? is it becoz i'm nt pretty? is it becoz i'm normal?

dun wry..i will change myself to be extraordinary..i will do my best to let u regret..i will totally change to another characteristic frm 2day..i swear..i will be a new me..i swear to the god! i'm nt longer an idiot to let u all used n let u all hv fun wif..i will be a new me..i rather hurt everyone in the world n nt letting myself get hurt..

u guys r the 1 who force me turn into tat way..so dun blame me..i wnt be the old me anymore..i will 100000000000000000000000000% change!change to another heartless gal..i swear i will..i never trust love anymore..i wnt trust anymore!!

EQ = Emotional Intelligence..
This is a hard and important subject to learn in our life..It cnt be learn frm school..It cnt be taught by ppl..But it can be gain by experiences or thinking..
Recently my EQ drop to the bottom level..keep emo n down n easy get angry or frustrated..
y? i oso duno y..haiz..is tired to being tat..everyday cnt slp well..everyday dun feel eating..
damn it..i hate myself that in this condition..i hate tis..haiz..i reali duno wat shud i do..helpless..

I saw ur fb status,seriously i'm shock..i duno hw to describe the feeling. I think I shud click the like button and click the comment button and say congratz. But out of sudden my hand is out of control. I cant move my hand to like button, or even comment button. My heart was popping fast n almost jump out frm my heart. My hands was freezy and my eyes are out of focus point. I duno whr shud I focus at, wat shud I do next. I duno hw to type the congratz word. I duno hw to click the like button. I saw everyone was hoping her to accept u, and tat was wat they expect frm the passed 1 yr. I shudnt stop u frm getting ur happy life. I shud wish u n her live happy forever, I shud say congratz to u n her. But i reali duno hw to say the word. I'm scared. I'm seriously scared. Do u knw tat u r nt only my fren, u r one of the most important ppl in my life. I think I'm just too lousy so tat u wnt even accept me or treat me as a gal. I'm just suitable to be alone i think. Reali wish u n her will life happy forever. xxcxxx rmb, must life happily.

Today the result already release out, tat is the result that I had never expect b4 tis..
Management Information System - D
Business Communication - B
Microeconomic - C+
Statistic - C+

When I look at this idiot result i feel like i shud immediately die! I not deserve to live in this world anymore!
come on! Micro and Stat i had learn b4 why i still will get this kind of result! WTF m i duing? Y a person who r idiot as me are living in this world? I'm not deserve to continue be alive! I shud go n die immediately!!!

I'm the biggest failure plus idiot plus loser in the world! I wont forgive myself! I'm nt deserve any forgiveness from anyone!

Failure - according to thefreedictionary.com it means a person or things that is unsuccessful or disappointing.
Loser - which means a person or things that seems destined to be taken advantage.

These two words are very simple, i think most of the people are understand the meaning of them. Why am I explaining the meaning of these two word here? That is because I'm the failure! I'm the loser! Why am I say so? Becoz I fail my final exam paper!! My GPA is lesser than 2.5!!! WTH am i duin is the passed 5 month? Why I can be that stupid till I failed my paper?!

I'm totally a failure! A loser! An idiot! I'm seriously disappointed to myself! why should a person stupid like me keep living in this world? I hope some 1 can help me from this..but i not dare to tell anyone of my friend about this. When I knew this news in front of my friend, none of them are trying to help me or even counsel me. I still remain the smiley face in front of them pretend that i'm ok..the failed doesn't effect me at all. But actually it does hurt me, it hurt me deeply. I cry for whole night but no one know about it. no one will care about it.

I'm seriously a biggest Failure + loser in the world!