BrOwNiE LoR

Christmas just passed one days ago, what going to have next is New Year.. New Year means new start, new expectation, new hope, everything should be new again.. New characteristics should be build as well.. I really not sure how fare i still can tolerate all these and putting mask on myself.. feeling insecure, scare, worried, uncertainty for everything make me feel down easily.. I know I'm weak.. very weak.. emotional, mentally, physically weak, but at least i try my best putting on mask to make myself look strong.

In front of you, i just wan to be normal girl, be weak be relax n just like an ordinary girl.. but i think is kinda impossible n it never able to achieve.. Nvm, one year going to end soon, I still have another 5 days more to train myself up and to rebuild a new mask.. I believe I still have enough time..

One year, many things can happened, many things can be changed, many things can gain and even lost. In year 2013, I experienced be someone powerful, someone holding final decision, someone decide everything, someone control the whole situation. But at the same the I back to be someone cruel, someone heartless, someone neglect people feeling, someone who don't know how to understand others people thinking.

Before go to Nilai, I told myself be a good girl, be a lady, don't back to the old life, don't back to the mess. End of 2nd year in Nilai, promises break. I'm still the mess. I'm still the rubbish. I'm still the old me. People might don't understand why I judge myself in this way and say I'm in negative thinking all those shit. In the fact is just they didn't experienced what I had been through. They don't know my history. And I don't plan to explain.

I hate explain, because the person who understand you they won't need your explanation. If you need me to explain to you, means you don't trust me at all. And no matter how hard I explained you will never believe me. So keep me mouth shut and stop explain. It is useless.

人总会说：“在对的时候如果爱上了错的人会是种很深的伤害，但在错的时候遇见了对的人却会是种很深的遗憾。”

Recently I'm really mentally and physically exhausted. Dealing with club, events, and studies are really hard. I can announce loud that I have full commitment on club and events. But for studies I failed.